Elementary Sex

by John B. Anderson

Girls, apparently, mature faster than boys. That became clear in the sixth grade, when we shot baskets during recess at Lakeside School. Mary and Joanie started hanging out by the basketball court, trying to engage us boys in conversation. That made it hard to concentrate on shooting, and it was actually irritating.

Finally, Dan couldn't take it any more, so he asked Mary, “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you pregnant?” That worked! Mary and Joanie left, and we were able to continue shooting without a disturbance from the girls.

The only trouble was, Mary went home and told her mother. Her mother called Mrs. Cookson, our teacher and principal, and asked Mrs. Cookson to do something about it.

The next day, all of the fifth and sixth boys were summoned to the auditorium to meet with Mrs. Cookson. We were all pretty nervous. She started out my saying, “You all understand that there is a connection between the male and the female to make a baby.” (That kind of shot holes in Lloyd's theory that babies came from pills, as he had heard from his sister, the nurse, but we were past that anyway.) “...But, I don't know where you got this word, 'Pregnant'. You boys can't be talking that way at school, or there will be consequences.”

To wrap up the meeting, she added, “If you boys have any questions about sex, you may ask them now, or at any time.” Every head was bowed. All of us thought, if anyone raises his hand, we'll beat the crap out of him after school. No one spoke.

All the fifth and sixth grade boys were called to the auditorium by Mrs. Cookson one other time. It seems as if Rodney and Jerry had been caught by Mr. Krause, the janitor, trying to urinate on the ceiling of the boy's bathroom. At that discussion, we learned about the do's and don'ts of bathroom etiquette. Almost all of us learned that to be careful when Mr. Krause was around.

After school, we walked outside behind Rodney and Jerry. Jerry said to Rodney, “Ill bet Muriel couldn't piss on the ceiling.”